…And i was every question that never had an answer.

Seeing my best friend’s abundancy of options and derived tendancy for opportunism, i’m left to ponder my own.
 
I’m chicken shit.
In fact, i’m such a damned coward that i am willing to pass up on most of the opportunities life throws at me for the sole reason that trying might make me lose.
I can bring up at least 15 noteworthy quotes, just off the top of my head, in favor of trying, of giving your best shot in spite of the odds, of the downsides of quitting without even trying,
but truth be told, i’m just too much of a skeptic to believe my own advice, not to mention somebody else’s.
 
Day 238.
I found a pair of weights, 2K, that my sister brought me a good 5 years ago.
Tried lifting them sideways. It didn’t feel right, but i guess i’ll have to wait ’till tomorrow to know the consequences.

All That’s Left Has Gone to Sleep.

I’m an old man, really.
Someone once said that being old is all about the transition between taking pride in hat you are and what you have – to what you were and what you had.
If that is the truth, then i’ve been old since i was 17 or so – and this wouldn’t be the first time i’ve heard that particular conclusion being made.
 
I’ve been wasting so much time trying to relive my past that i hardly remember how to do anything else.
I swam the long route home
  And i’ve got broken shoulders.
 
I’m sticking to home, to my safe grounds as if nothing good could ever find me elsewhere.
I am safe, for now. Safe in the knowledge there’s nothing i can do about all of this,
safe in the knowledge that this is all out of my hands.

Is, Was and Will Be. (1/3/08)

Day 235.
Yesterday i moved my hand in the wrong direction.
I was expecting to feel pain – the familiar sting and screeching notion, but there was nothing.
Actually, the lack of pain frightened me for a moment. Old habits die hard, i guess.
‘Going home is hard, but what’s to be said for staying away’, right?
 
My qualm with this song -
Take notes, i’m thinking -
This fleeting moment of your enjoyment will pass.
And even if this ambience did not stop
Until the earth quit spinning
You’d eventually bore of it and implore of us that we do not continue.
 
If you tried to write nines until there were no nines,
In time, you’d die and you would not finish.
 
The only difference in infinacy between god and us
Is our own imprisonment in time.
God, can i please fast-forward to the best parts?
Then god, can i please rewind to the beginning?
 
My palms, my hand, my neck is sweating,
The seconds drip from the clock like a broken tap -
If you try and plug the leak with anything, it only leaks much faster
And you know that one day, the valve will break
And the volume of your water main will unleash on your bedroom,
And i’ve got a lot of shit to do,
I don’t have time to fit that in anytime soon.
 
I whisper an answer, i tremble, you pause,
Just tell me that it’s not in vain, you’ll never forget me…
These moments – my moments – i want them, they’re mine
And if you bury them with me i’ll never forgive you.
 
So who cares if my time is wasted? You don’t use it.
It’s nothing.
All i can be is all there is, was and will be.